New Year's Intentions

I don’t know about you all, but I am happy to see 2014 come to a close. It was just an off year for me. We all have them. I’m tacking it as that in the record books.

As usual, I’m blogging my New Year’s post from a local coffee shop – this time Caribou Coffee – enjoying a northern lite, dark chocolate mocha, no whip. Gotta love those holiday gift cards!

Instead of blogging about resolutions I’d prefer to call them intentions. The word “resolution” just feels too formal and “final” for me this year. Saying resolutions already makes me feel like I am going to mess up (which I’m trying to not beat myself up over if I do – see below). I instead have created some very simple intentions for me. Unlike my list from last year (which I look back on now and a.) feel went on a tish too long!, and b.) clearly had some high hopes…) I have created only two intentions for my 2015.

1. Be more kind to myself. I often have high expectations for myself – normally this is a good thing! – though I give myself a hard time in instances that really don’t warrant it. I need to cut myself some slack.
2. Be more present in my own life. “All I really gotta do is live and die, but I’m in a hurry and don’t know why” – well said Alabama! I plan to take more deep breathes and just enjoy the moment, even the stressful ones, because that is life – and life is beautiful!

2014 had its highs, and also its lows. Unfortunately, I feel like my sight tended to focus on the negatives and I put pressure on myself to feel certain ways which only got me down more. For example: October, November, and December are three of my favorite months. This year, these months lacked the sparkle they usually have for me and I started to wonder what was wrong with me – because certainly something was wrong with me to not feel the sparkle. Ugh, Jenna. So much to learn about life. Some days, months, years will be good, some may be not so good – but don’t beat yourself up over it, homie!

A large stressor of the past chunk of months has been Eric and my journey in trying to start a family. We’ve been trying for 17 months. Even just typing it out looks exhausting. I fully believe that there is a reason that this has not happened yet and that God has some plans that I am just not aware of, but the journey still feels long and unfair. I have faith in what plans the Lord has for us...I just wish I knew them. It’s been hard not having my Grandma Hjort around during this journey as well. She’s the only one who could give me the perfect Bible verse or say the words that I need to hear – which I know in my heart, but can’t seem to form into a sentence for my mind to make sense of. 

As I mentioned, the baby thing has weighed on me for a while. And I let it. I let it affect me month-after-month and become an excuse for another glass of wine (cause heck – why not drink while ya can!), another treat (cause dang that emotional eating feels good sometimes), or my reason to be short (with people, not in height) and moody. In my intention to be more kind to myself, I need to recognize where these feelings are coming from and find some healthier options – although we alllllllll know that wine has some really good health benefits! :)

 

…Yes, yes, Sue (my high school swimming coach and health ed teacher). I hear you! “Everything in moderation!” Gosh I miss swimming…

…I digress…

Another stressor that I have learned from this year is that I need to talk more about me. Now don’t freak out, ya’ll – I’m not going to go all crazy and talk non-stop about my life. What I mean is that I realized that I haven’t been honest with people that care about me in how I am doing. I’ve struggled this year, and tried to cover it up all along the way not being open about what I’ve been having a tough year and seizing the opportunity when someone asks, “how are you?” to talk about it (appropriately of course, I’m not going to drop bomb shells on anyone while in the line at Cub or through friendly girl conversation in the bathroom). And in all reality, I thankfully don’t have any bombshells to drop, anyway. Me not talking about me and my feelings is an annoyance of my trade, I feel. As a social worker I talk with others about how they are doing – you don’t talk about yourself and redirect conversation if questions are asked about you. Unfortunately, to some extent, I feel like I may have been putting that in my personal life too. 

Some things I would like to try this year to help me be more kind to myself and more present in my life are: taking deeper breathes, trying yoga, talking more about how I am doing and recognize that people care, trying meditation, stopping to look around, paying attention to feelings in the moment, and finding quotes that are meaningful and identify with me and the message I need (so you may see more of them in my social media outlets and this blog, heads up!)

Oh, 2015. I have an honest feeling that you will be better than the years past, and I am so glad for that!

I wish you all abundant love, joy and peace in this new year! 

Until next time,

Coffee, cats, and wine and I’ll be fine :)